And you know? I think it might have been the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. I just don’t understand why she would have said it. As far as I know, we’re friends, work friends at the very least, and we were just joking around about nothing in particular. To the best of my knowledge, I haven’t done anything to make her angry. Did she think it was a joke? That enough time has passed since Richard that I was no longer upset? Maybe she doesn’t like cats and doesn’t understand getting upset when one dies? But she saw me crying the day after we had him put to sleep, so you’d think she’d at least respect that I was upset, even if she didn’t understand. Or maybe she thought that Richard was my only cat, and that I was having some kind episode and didn’t realize he’d died or something? Like I’d finally lost my shit? Which seems pretty farfetched, but maybe? I have no idea. Maybe I’m overreacting. God knows, I’ve been a bit sensitive and on edge of late. All I know is that it was about the most unkind thing anyone has ever said to me, and the comment threw me for a loop.

That’s pretty much how my day went. How about yours?

*****

I hate people who talk on cell phones while they drive, hate them with a fierce and fiery passion. They zip around with complete and utter disregard for either the rules of traffic or other drivers with whom they share the streets. They fail to signal turns, they run through red lights, roll through stop signs, cut people off on the highway, drive ten miles under the speed limit, drive fifty miles over the speed limit, weave and drive off the road, so on, so forth, etc. They are obnoxious, oblivious crap weasels, and I hate them.

I bitch about these cell phone talkers quite a bit. I complain to friends, family, co-workers and random strangers. And every time I complain, the people listening agree that they, too, hate people who talk on cell phones while driving. The people to whom I complain tell me that they’ve talked to their friends and family, and everyone they know hates people who talk on cell phones while driving.

While I don’t know everyone in the world, I do know quite a few people. And on a daily basis, I come in contact with even more people. And like I said, anyone I’ve ever asked claims to hate people who talk on cell phones. I have never…not even once…come across anyone who ever had anything positive to say about people talking on cell phones while driving. That’s a lot of people, and if all of them hate people who talk on cell phones while driving, I think it’s reasonable to assume that the vast majority of the people…at least those in Columbus…hate people who talk on cell phones while driving. And if that’s true, THEN WHO THE FUCK IS DOING ALL THE TALKING ON CELL PHONES WHILE DRIVING?!

I’m just saying.

*****

So, we’re sitting around watching the Gilmore Girls, like we do, and on the show, they’re talking about how creepy a cappella groups are, and the roommate and I agree that, in fact, a cappella groups are creepy, and while we’re talking, my brother, in this quiet little voice, almost to himself, says, “Actually I…I kind of like a cappella groups,” which makes the roommate and me laugh and laugh and laugh, and my brother says, “What? I do! They’re actually kind of cool!” which of course makes us laugh even harder, and then the roommate called him a “big homo choir fag,” which made me laugh so hard, I snorted Diet Coke through my nose, and my brother went running off in a huff, probably to go listen to some a cappella music like the big homo choir fag he is, and so anyway, my point is, “Big Homo Choir Fag” is totally the name of my new band. Not that I have a band, new or otherwise, but if I did, I would totally call it “Big Homo Choir Fag.” Or “Blender Meat.” Or “No Disassemble.” Definitely one of those, at any rate.

*****

Speaking of Diet Coke, by the way, I think it might be THE. MOST. DELICIOUS. THING. ON. EARTH. I am serious, people. I forget how delicious it is, then I get a bighuge fountain Diet Coke, and with the first sip I’m all, “HOLY DEAR GOD, THIS IS SOOOOOO GOOD!” And anyone witnessing my rapture probably thinks I’m having some kind of “episode,” but it is that fucking good, is what I’m saying. I really do drink Diet Coke just for the taste of it.

Pertinent to nothing, but I just poured myself a glass, and it’s the first glass I’ve had today, and HOLY DEAR JESUS, IS IT GOOD.

*****

As a rule, I am highly suspicious of enthusiasm. Overly eager or fervent individuals fill me with distrust and unease. I find their near-manic chipperness vaguely threatening. Again, pertinent to nothing. Although, as I think about it, if their enthusiasm is for Diet Coke, they are forgiven, because seriously, who can blame them?

*****

I was watching CNN the other day, and there was this story about the Army and how Army recruiters are under investigation for shady recruiting practices in poor communities. (I know, right? Shut. up. But it’s true!) And then there was another story a little while later about how the Army is going to spend a bazillion dollars on a new advertising campaign because “Army of One” just isn’t working. Inspired by the stories, and being the awesome future PR type that I am, I came up with a new slogan for the Army, one that I’d be willing to sell for a fraction of the bazillion dollars the Army is thinking about spending on their new campaign:

The Army: You’re poor. What the fuck else are you gonna to do?

I really don’t see how it could fail. Army, if your interested, I’m now accepting offers for my slogan.

*****

I also had another idea for a new shopping concept. See, I hate shopping. Hate, hate, HATE it. I like buying stuff and having stuff, but the actual process of going to get stuff makes me tense and crabby. There are always so many people wherever you go, getting in your way, behaving poorly, being rude, letting their children run wild, etc., so on, so forth. I had to go to The Great Indoors over the weekend, and the experience renewed my hatred of the shopping experience. Not even the display of Kitchen Aid mixers could soothe me. The store was crammed to the rafters with irritating people, and it was everything I could do to keep myself from stabbing them in their heads with grilling utensils.

On the drive home, I was thinking about how awful shopping is, when my idea hit me: Shopping Safari Parks. Like, you know those safari parks that are like drive-through zoos? You drive through and stay in your car the entire time, looking at animals and whatnot? Well, what if there were stores like that? Like appliance stores where you could just drive through, point at the appliance you want, and it would be waiting for you at the exit? How awesome would that be, right? You wouldn’t have to find parking, or get out of your car or come in contact with a single other soul! You could stop at the entrance and get a CD with information on all the appliances, and you could listen to it as you drive through, like a guided tour of the store. Sales associates would be waiting around the appliances, and when you pointed at a stove you liked, they could tag it and get it ready for you. There could be little stations throughout the store where you’d put a quarter in a machine and get a handful of Customer Service Chow that your kids could feed to the sales associates. It would be fantastic! Like an adventure! Fun for the whole family! With appliances! I think it’s a winner of an idea.

*****

And then I had another idea!

See, when we went to the Rockin’ (like Dokken) Hills a few weeks ago, we made baked potatoes. And there were a bunch of potatoes left after dinner, so we left them wrapped in aluminum foil and threw them in a cooler for safe keeping. 24 hours later, those potatoes were still hot…hot, not warm…in the middle! Still! 24 hours later! I’m sure the aluminum foil and the cooler had something to do with it, but still, it is clear that potatoes retain heat very well. And then I remembered how all the characters in Laura Ingalls Wilder books carried potatoes in their pockets to keep their hands warm when they walked to school. (Or was that in Louisa May Alcott’s books? I don’t know. It was somebody who wrote books way back when in the beforetime, at any rate.) So I started thinking, what if we made coolers out of potatoes? Or insulated our houses with potatoes? Or filled winter coats with mashed potatoes instead of down? That way, when your plane crashes in the mountains, and you’re all starving and stuff, you could eat your coats instead of your fellow passengers! Brilliant, no? I think so, yes.

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