With all the rotten crap in the world today, is waging campaigns against children's books and movies really the most efficient use of your time here on Earth? And more importantly, is that what Jesus would do? I mean, do you really believe that if your lord and savior were here right now, he'd look around him at things like famine, war, homelessness, poverty and so forth, and say, "You know what, fuck it. Forget all this other shit...let's burn children's books?" Because, personally, I suspect the allegedly anti-Christian book/movie wouldn't even be a blip on his radar (The Christmotron 6000 model). I think maybe, instead of picketing movies and burning books, he'd rather be out doing shit that actually matters, like raising money for homeless shelters, or feeding hungry kids in assorted third world shitholes, or other stuff like that. And, like, if that's what he would do, isn't that, you know, what you should do? I'm just saying.

Sincerely,

Idiot "If you don't like the goddamn movie, then don't watch it" Milk

*****

And can someone please tell me exactly why Diet Coke is so fucking delicious? Because it totally is, and anyone who says otherwise is a GODDAMN LIAR. I seriously have no idea why it's so delicious, though. I mean, I look at the ingredients, and everything in the list sounds vile, and mixing together a dozen vile ingredients doesn't usually result in a delicious concoction, so WTF, right? I just don't understand how Diet Coke is even possible.

Also, I'm reasonably certain someone is going to have to trick me into attending a Diet Coke intervention, because there is just no way I will be able to stop drinking it on my own. My consumption of the most delicious beverage on Earth is through the damn roof, people. It is out of hand to a frightening degree. Seriously, I could polish off an entire two liter in under an hour. How sick is that? It's just not right, and I know I shouldn't drink so much, I know that it can't possibly be good for me and it's probably giving me dozens of brain tumors, but I am so weak! And it is so very delicious! I cannot resist the siren song of my beloved Diet Coke!

*****

So, the other day (and by "the other day," I actually mean "more than a month ago," since I originally intended to post this around Halloween, but I didn't because I've been busy, and also I'm very lazy), in preparation for trick or treating, I went to the store to purchase some candy. While I was walking up and down the aisle perusing the candy selection, I happened upon a tiny, forlorn display of healthy alternatives to Halloween candy. There were raisins in tiny little boxes, packets of peanuts and dried fruit, granola bars, miniature bags of microwavable popcorn, and a number of other healthy sorts of Halloween "goodies." One item in particular stuck out from the rest as possibly the worst thing ever to give out to children on Halloween: individually wrapped prunes. WHO in their right MIND would voluntarily pass such a heinous item out to children for trick or treating? I mean, the consequences of such a course of action are spelled out right in the name: "trick or treat," as in "give me some damn candy, or I'll fuck your shit up." The poor bastard giving out individually wrapped prunes is just asking for a bunch of disgruntled hoodlums to egg or toilet paper his house. I can think of no surer way to guarantee vandalism except possibly actually handing out toilet paper and rotten eggs to the kids. I mean, come on...HALLOWEEN PRUNES?! SERIOUSLY?!

I sincerely hope the marketing wiz who came up with that idea lost his damn job.

*****

We have a new CEO at work, and as a means to introduce herself and help us get to know her, she handed out a belief statement sorta personal mission kinda information packet thingie to everyone. As she went over her various ideas and goals and beliefs and whatnot, she encouraged us all to create a similar sort of thing for ourselves. I decided to take her advice, and I've been working on some belief statements of my own. This is what I have so far:

I believe that only bad things come from corn fields. Zombies, possessed children, invading aliens, ghosts, and pretty much every horrible thing ever comes out of cornfields, including corn itself, which, while delicious, is the devil nonetheless. Rural areas scare the living shit out of me.

I believe that all moths and butterflies are trying to get in our ears. They want to get in our ears so they have access to our brains and can take over our bodies. It is part of their nefarious plot to achieve world domination. Thankfully, they are small, fragile creatures that are easily smashed. That and their lack of organization will likely prevent them from ever achieving their goals, but still. Untrustworthy, flappy bastards.

That's all I've got at this point, but I'm still working on it.

And right now I believe I am going to bed, so that is all for now. Carry on, please. Thank you.

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