Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Sincerely,

Idiot-Milk

*****

Dear 2007,

Don't suck. Seriously. I mean, I guess there's not a lot I can do if you decide to be the worst year ever, but I'll be really mad. Also, I'll probably think some fairly hateful thoughts about you, maybe compose some sternly-worded entries about you, too, if you do decide to be horrible. So that's something to think about.

But, so anyway, yeah. Don't suck, okay?

With love,

Idiot-Milk

*****

Dear old people,

Why in the hell do all of you drive such ridiculously large cars? I mean, maybe some of you drive small cars, but more often than not, whenever I see some giganormous land yacht having trouble parallel parking or mangling a sharp corner, it's being driven by one of you blue hairs.

Why not try a smaller, more easily managed vehicle, since you all seem to have trouble maneuvering the larger ones? Maybe you think a larger car is safer in an accident, and sure, maybe that's true. But, you know, perhaps if you drove a smaller car, one that you could actually handle, you wouldn't be as likely to be in an accident? I'm just saying.

Get a freakin' Yaris, old people, okay?

Yours truly,

Idiot-Milk

*****

Dear driver of the green pickup truck driving north on 315 at 6:45 p.m. this evening,

Do you believe in ESP? Like mind reading and junk? Personally, I'm kind of on the fence about it. I mean, on the one hand, it's a pretty cool idea. And brainwaves are electric or something sort of, right? Like electrical impulses? So I guess I can see how maybe someone's brain can be wired to pick up on those impulses or be able to send them out, so maybe it's possible for people like that to read thoughts or move stuff with their minds. But then again, on the other hand, it just doesn't seem especially likely, too far-fetched or something. It sounds like something out of a science fiction novel, you know?

Anyway, the reason I'm asking is that I can't help but notice you don't seem to use your turn signals too much. Or at all. And you didn't seem to be distracted by a cell phone, and there wasn't anyone else in the car who might have been distracting you, and you didn't appear to be eating something or smoking or drinking or singing along to a song or doing anything else that might be taking your attention away from the road. And it's not like using a turn signal is hard or anything. And so I have to assume that you know something that I don't. Maybe you know something that makes you think using your turn signal isn't necessary, something that makes you believe that the people around you will be able to figure out when you're about to turn or change lanes or something. Is that it? Do you have some information about ESP? Do you know that it's not only possible, but common? And that's why you don't bother to signal because the vast majority of the people around you already know what you're planning because they're capable of reading your thoughts, and I'm the only one mystified and inconvenienced by your actions because I'm the only one without this skill?

If that's the case, please let me know as soon as possible! It will entirely change how I've been reacting to behavior like yours. Normally, when I see someone so seemingly oblivious to those around them, I assume they're a douchebag and swear at them accordingly. Sometimes I'll even follow them and berate them in a parking lot when their actions are especially awful and rude. If I'm wrong, though, if I've mistaken ESP for assholery, I need to know because I owe a great many people apologies!

Best regards,

Idiot-Milk

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