*****

Just once I'd like to go a whole month without hurling a tampon at a complete stranger. Just once. I don't think that's asking too much, I really don't. I mean, some people, I'd even go so far as to say most people, manage to go their whole lives without throwing one single feminine hygiene product at anybody, let alone a complete stranger. I'm not asking for that, though, all I want is to go one month, that's it.

So I'm at my favorite take-out Chinese joint, and I'm picking up the bag of delicious Chinese food with my left hand while my right hand is pulling my car keys from my pocket. Unfortunately, the car keys must have wrapped around the tampon I'd tucked in my pocket for emergencies, because when I pulled out the keys, the tampon came flying out. I could only watch in horror as it skittered across the take-out counter, hit the midsection of the sweet, elderly Chinese gentleman who owns the place, and fell to the floor. He looked at it quizzically for a moment, then bent to pick it up. He handed it to me with a smile, and I choked out a mortified "Thank you" before hauling ass out of there. Clearly, I will never go back. Which is a total shame because it is seriously my most favorite Chinese take-out place ever, but once you throw a tampon at the sweet, elderly Chinese man who owns the place, really, what other option do you have?

I have no idea what it is about tampons that is so embarrassing. Probably because they have to do with the vagina which, as we all know, is a dirty dirty shameful thing. I don't know. But no matter the reason, tampons are embarrassing, and throwing them around at people is just no way to act.

I realize it's a bit late in the game for new year's resolutions, in that it's February and all, but I'd like to make one all the same. In 2008 I resolve to stop hurling feminine hygiene products at random strangers. At anyone, really. It's an ambitious resolution, probably more difficult to keep than any I've made before. But I'm going to try, people, I really am.

*****

"What's that?"
"What? This? *swishswish* It's part of the old blinds that I just took down."
"What are you doing with it? And why are you swinging it around?"
"Well, I was going to throw it out, but then I realized it would make an excellent cat-hitting stick. *swishswish""
"You're not hitting the cats with that."
"Why not? They're jerks, and haven't you ever just wanted to beat them with a stick when they do stuff like barf on your pillow? *swishswish* This would be perfect for that!"
"Quit swinging that thing around and throw it away. You're not using that as a cat-hitting stick. For that matter, there's no such thing as a cat-hitting stick."
"Yes there is. This is one. *swishswish*"
"I said stop swinging that thing around. Give it to me."
"No. *swish* It's mine. You get your own cat-hitting stick."
"Give me that goddamn stick, and quit swinging it around"
"No. It's my stick, and you can't have it! And I'll swing it around all I goddamn well want! I need to practice. *swishswishswish*
"Give me the goddamn stick!"
"No! *swishswishswish*"
"Yes! Give it to me or else!"
"NO! You know, I can also use it as a brother-hitting stick, so back off!"
"GIVE ME THE STICK, GODDAMNIT. I'M GOING TO THROW IT AWAY."
"NO! *SWISHSWISHSWISH* GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I PRACTICE ON YOU!"
*BARKBARKBARK*
"QUIT BARKING, TED! NOW GIVE ME THE GODDAMN STICK *BARKBARK* TED, CUT IT OUT!"
"HAHA! Sounds like you need a dog-hitting stick, too!"
"NO WE DON'T, NOW GIVE ME THE GODDAMN STICK!"
"NO I DAMN WELL--HEY! GIVE ME BACK MY STICK!"
"NOW WHO'S LAUGHING?! HAHA! *SNAP* THERE! NO MORE STICK!"
"You suck, you know that? Okay, fine. No more cat-hitting stick. But someday the cats'll be bugging you, and you'll be all `Oh, if only I had a stick with which to beat the crap out of these horrible cats,' and I'll be like, "Oh yeah? Well, FUCK YOU, BUDDY!' and I'll laugh and laugh and laugh."
"Yeah, whatever."

A week and a half later...

"Goddamnnit, Benjamin!"
"What's the matter?"
"Your stupid cat keeps sitting in front of the television. I yell at him, but he won't listen, so I have to get up and chase him away."
"What a pain in the ass."
"No shit. Just as soon as I get comfortable again, he appears out of nowhere and sits directly in my line of vision. I'm tired of having to get up every five fucking minutes."
"If only you had some way to reach him without having to get up."
"Yeah, like if I had something long that I could poke him with or shoo him off of the entertainment center."
"Like a stick?"
"Yeah, like a--shutup."
"Like a, oh I don't know, cat-hitting stick? Is that what you need? Hmm? HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Shutup."
"I hate to say I told you so, but--wait a minute! I don't hate it at all! I TOLD YOU SO! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Would you just shutup? Okay? Just--BENJAMIN! GODDAMNIT! GET OFF OF THERE! Would you please remove your cat from in front of the television?"
"Hmmm...no."
"I hate you."
"I know."

*****

And of course I wouldn't actually use a stick to beat the cats.

Well.

Unless they barf on my pillow again while I'm sleeping. I'm just saying. Goddamn cats.

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