What the hell is wrong with you? Have you no pride? Do you truly not care what anyone thinks of you or your writing skills? Are you not aware that people like me will take one look at your frightening grammar and assume you should be wearing a helmet?

I will be the first to admit the grammar in this little journal-y thing of mine is atrocious. And you know what? That's okay. This is my journal-y thing, written for my own amusement. Who cares if a whole bunch of people out in Internetland think I'm an imbecile with zero writing skills, right? Right!

When it comes to professional correspondence, however, it's an entirely different story. I pay attention to grammar and spelling and crap like that. I carefully compose my letters and meticulously proofread for errors and awkward phrasing. Why? Because sounding like a developmentally challenged six year old isn't very professional and isn't the impression I want to make on co-workers or business associates. And I don't want people to think I'm a dolt, because when people think you're a dolt, they don't respect or listen to you much at all.

Perhaps, writers of letters, you might want to take all of that into consideration the next time you put pen to paper. (Or, you know, fingers to keyboard. Whatever.)

Sincerely,

Idiot-Milk

P.S. Maybe pick up a copy of The Elements of Style. I'm just saying.

P.P.S. Smileys are never okay in professional correspondence. If I see one more goddamn smiley in a work-related letter or email, I'm going to start punching people in the head. Jesus, people, shape up.

*****

I am SO. FREAKIN'. CRABBY. today. There are just a billion tiny little things pissing me off, but none of them is caused by any one particular person or thing, and there's nothing I can do about anything, really, and I have nowhere or no way to vent my considerable rage. I have been trying to pick a fight with someone all day so I at least have an excuse to rant and rave and expend some pent-up energy, but no one is taking the bait. GODDAMNIT. ALL I WANT TO DO IS SCREAM AT SOMEONE FOR A HALF AN HOUR OR SO. IS THAT SO FUCKING UNREASONABLE?! BAH.

*****

My doctor's office is one of the things pissing me off today, both because they are being incredibly unhelpful and because the quality of their correspondence leaves a great deal to be desired. I went in last week because of the droopy eye, right? And my doctor takes one look at my crazy eye, and she's all "Oh! That's weird. Yeah, we should definitely check that out, because that is just not normal." Which is, of course, exactly what you want to hear from your doctor. So comforting. But anyway, she said that it could be caused by thyroid issues or diabetes, and she wanted to take some blood to rule out those things. If she didn't find any thyroid or diabetes-type issues in the blood work, then she wanted me to have an MRI. Okay fine. That was about a week ago.

Then yesterday I get this letter:

Dear Idiot-Milk,

Here are the results of your latest test(s):

Your recent labs show liver enzymes abnormal - you will need an ultrasound test of your liver to further investigate (so please contact that office to have that scheduled) , the rest of your labs are normal.

Sincerely,
Pinhead working in the doctor's office

Is it just me, or does that sound like it was written by someone whose first language is not English? For fuck's sake, people, if you can't be fucking bothered with things like grammar and proper punctuation, maybe you should get someone else to write your letters.

And, wait, liver? Nobody said anything about the liver. Since when was that on the goddamn table? And "so please contact that office?" Contact what fucking office, goddamnit? Am I just supposed to start calling around the city asking people "Hey, um, do you guys do, like, liver ultrasounds or something?" Yeah, no. If you people want me to have an ultrasound, you had damn well better set it up for me. Or at the very least, tell me who the fuck I need to call to check into it. I need something beyond "contact that office," you bastards. And if my liver is funky, would that cause the droopy eye? If so, why the hell wasn't that mentioned during the office visit? And does that mean that I don't need an MRI? Or is this liver thing completely independent from the droopy eye thing? What in the hell, people?

I've left several messages for someone to call me back and explain this cryptic piece of crap letter, but I've yet to hear a thing. And the last time I called, the receptionist person was decidedly salty. Well you know what, you crabby old cow, excuse me for being a little concerned. My dad died from complications due to liver disease not even a year ago, so forgive me if I'm just a little edgy. I'm sure it's probably nothing, and I'm certainly not about to lose my shit completely over one funky test result, but I want to know, you know? Especially since this whole liver issue is straight out of left field. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO RETURN MY FUCKING CALLS, OKAY?! IS THAT REALLY ASKING SO VERY MUCH?!

*****

I would really really like it to rain please thank you. Really a lot. It's just so heavy and thick outside. I don't mind the heat, but the sinus pressure from the impending storms is killing me. And now I'm afraid to take drugs because what if I'm killing my liver by trying to kill my headache pain?!

(Nope, no panicking here about some stupid test result. Nosir. None at all. Cool as a cucumber, me.)

*****

Why am I still awake?

Bleh.

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