Denial: Is that really the time? That can't be right. It cannot possibly be time to get up. I just freakin' went to bed!

Anger: GodDAMNIT, why do I have to get up? I HATE YOU, STUPID ALARM CLOCK. (This stage is usually accompanied by violently hurling the alarm clock across the room.)

Bargaining: Just five more minutes! Please! I promise I'll get up and be perky and happy and energetic all day if I can have just five more measly minutes!

Depression: I just can't do it. I just can't get out of bed. Why do I even bother? I know today is going to suck.

Acceptance: Fine. FINE. I'll get up. *sigh*

Every single day I go through the same process, the entire time pummeling the snooze button into submission. You'd think I would be used to getting up for work. I mean, I've been doing it for years and years. But no, each morning waking up is an unpleasant and unwelcome shock to my system.

In addition to the five stages of grief, I also experience a great deal of disorientation. I don't always know where I am or what day it is. This frequently leads to me convincing myself that it's actually a holiday or Saturday and that I mistakenly set my alarm. I'll turn the alarm clock off and go back to sleep. Luckily, the rational part of my brain will realize at some point that things are amiss, and I'll wake up again. Sometimes, however, the part of my brain desperate for more sleep will overrule the rational part of my brain. Last Friday was a perfect example of this. I woke up when the alarm went off and instantly decided it was Saturday. I actually unplugged the alarm clock and went back to sleep. 30 or so minutes later, the rational part of my brain started screaming at me, "HEY! IT'S NOT SATURDAY! GET UP OR YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE TO WORK!" I shot upright in bed, muzzy-headed and disoriented, thinking, "Jesus god, what the hell day is it?! It's not Saturday!" This would normally be enough to get me moving. This time, however, that thought was immediately followed by, "Well, but it's Saturday somewhere in the world," and I went back to sleep again. I was nearly an hour late to work that day.

Lately, I've not been sleeping particularly well, and it's made getting out of bed that much more difficult. This morning was the worst. I woke up with the alarm and started the process of banging the snooze button every ten minutes. In my violence towards the alarm clock, I must have somehow managed to change the actual time. After about an hour of snooze button abuse, I happened to glance at the clock's display and noticed that it said 10:33AM. My first thought was, " Oh SHIT! It’s 10:33AM!" but then the muzzy-headedness took over and I thought, ‘Waaaait a minute. It's not 10:33AM, it's Marjorie Hovercraft!" I relaxed back into my pillow with a happy sigh and went to sleep. An hour or so later I woke up thinking, “Who in the FUCK is Marjorie Hovercraft, and what the hell is wrong with me?!” I was more than an hour late to work this time. I don’t even really care about getting to work late, but seriously, who the hell IS Marjorie Hovercraft, and what the hell is wrong with me?
*****

This is my newest obsession. It’s a site where you can create a diet journal. It will track your weight, what you eat, and anything you do throughout the day that might burn calories. My favorite feature is the nutrition report which will tell you how you stand with your RDA for assorted vitamins and minerals. After every single food item I add, I’ll run the nutrition report with eager anticipation. I am pleased to report that my selenium intake is exactly where it should be. I may not know what the fuck that is, but I’m chock full of the stuff, by god.

Another feature I enjoy is the activities section. Every fucking possible activity in which a person can engage is listed in this damn thing, even random and bizarre things like “maple syruping” or “furriery”. I don’t even know what the hell “furriery” is, and god knows I can’t pronounce it, but if I ever find myself doing it, I’ll know exactly how many calories it burns. My absolute favorite activity in the list is “spreading dirt with a shovel.” Not gardening, mind you, because that’s got a section all its own. Who the hell took the time to figure out how many calories a person burns when they’re spreading dirt with a shovel?

I spend a great deal of time adding things like “showering” or “grocery shopping” or “sitting quietly” to my list. I’m going to get credit for every goddamn thing I do in a day, goddamnit. Whenever I add something, no matter how lame that something is, I get this incredibly satisfying feeling of accomplishment, like I’ve actually exercised. All the psychological benefits of physical exertion without lifting even a finger. Awesome. If you don’t pay attention to what the items on my list actually are, it looks like I’m this incredibly active person!

The other new website to which I’m currently addicted is this one. You enter in a bunch of ingredients, and it tells you what you can make with them. As my roommate put it, it’s like MacGyver…for cooking. I can’t even tell you how much time I’ve wasted on the damn site.

*****

I’m taking the day off work on Monday and going to the damn fair. I’ve never been to a fair of any sort before, and while I’m 100% certain I won’t like it, what with all the people and the general fair-y-ness of it all, I’m doing it, goddamnit.

*****

Oh, and in my defense, I’ve been making an effort to respond to all the notes and whatnot lately, but some people don’t leave contact information, and others leave notes from diaries that are now defunct. So THERE. I’m trying, people, but you’re not making it any easier.

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