*****

Dear Madonna,

You're not British. Thought you oughta know.

Sincerely,

Idiot-Milk

*****

Right at this very moment, I am wearing brown pants, a white tee shirt, and white tube socks. Earlier today, I also had on a pair of black men's dress shoes with the ensemble. I have sandals with which I have been known to wear socks, yes, even black socks. I frequently complain about the youth of today and how they lack manners and resepct for their elders. I complain about the outlandish clothing they wear, how easy they have it compared to when I was their age, the incredibly loud music they play as they drive up and down my street, and I have even on occasion chased one or two out of my yard. I like prunes, I obsess about fiber and my colon, and I'm always more than happy to discuss the medications I'm taking, the surgeries I've had, or diseases I've had or have.

When I contemplate the ramifications of all this information, I am faced with one uncomfortable yet undeniable truth: I am a 75 year old man.

I have yet to mow my lawn in a pair of Bermudas, a wife-beater, a straw hat, black socks and sandals, but I'm certain that's in my not-too-distant future.

*****

I'm having a terrible time trying to decide which Wesley Willis song is my favorite: "I Whupped Batman's Ass" or "Ford Windstar." Right now I'm leaning towards "Ford Windstar," but it's close, so very close. Qu'un dilemme !

*****

In my neighborhood, there's a sign, one of those yellow, diamond-shaped signs, and it has a silhouette of two children playing on a see-saw. I've never understood this sign. Is it saying "Warning! See-Saws Suck?" Or maybe "Warning! Dangerous See-Saws Up Ahead?" I imagine evil see-saws lurking in the bushes waiting to jump unsuspecting passers by. Or maybe the see-saws are launching children at passing cars. Or maybe the signs are warning motorists that there are dangerous children lurking up ahead, launching each other at passing cars. I just don't know. I suppose it's possible the sign could be warning motorists that there's a park nearby and that there might be children playing, but that doesn't seem likely. I mean, if they wanted a sign to warn people about a park full of children, why put a fucking see-saw, right? Why not put a slide or swings or something children actually play with? Who the hell plays with see-saws? Or, for that matter, why not just have a sign that says "Warning! Children At Play!" or some such? Are they worried that illiterate motorist might not understand? Because I can't think of any other reason not to actually spell out what you're warning people about. Should we really make road signs that cater to the illiterate? I'm just saying.

And you know, see-saws have always pissed me off. Has there ever been a lamer piece of playground equipment? If you can find someone who is the exact same weight as you, then I guess see-saws might be sort of fun for about three minutes. But you never can find anyone who's the exact same size, so one of you is always dangling in the air while the other sits on the ground. How is that fun? It's not, damnit, it's the complete opposite of fun! Stupid, bullshit see-saws. Now, the merry-go-rounds are on time. Those things are awesome. I used to run around and around and around until the merry-go-round was flying, then I'd jump in the middle and spin until I was so dizzy, I felt like puking. That, my friends, is a good fucking time. Sadly, most playgrounds have gotten rid of merry-go-rounds because they're so dangerous. But they've still got goddamn see-saws. Bullshit, I say.

*****

That is all. Carry on.

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