Cat vomit

What's grosser than that?

Cat vomit in your bed

What's grosser than that?

NOTHING. NOTHING IS GROSSER THAN WAKING UP AT 3 AM TO A GIANT PILE OF CAT VOMIT RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR HEAD. OH WAIT. I FORGOT THE ONE THING GROSSER THAN WAKING UP TO A GIANT PILE OF VOMIT ON YOUR PILLOW IS SITTING IN A GIANT PILE OF CAT VOMIT AT 3 AM. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY THE GROSSEST OF ALL GROSS THINGS IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF GROSS THINGS EVER.

And how does one manage to sit in a pile of vomit? Well, when you're jarred from a restful slumber by the sounds of a cat vomiting on the pillow next to your head, and you leap out of bed to chase the cat out of the room and clean up the mess, and after you've spent a considerable amount of time scrubbing the bed and sqeegeeing cat vomit from the walls and every surface in the room (Why is it that cats are especially thorough in their vomiting when they're doing so after midnight? During the day you might find a pile here or a pile there. After midnight, it's as if the cat actually managed to explode. As a rule, I appreciate attention to detail and thoroughness. In this instance, however, I would rather the cats weren't so determined to cover every square inch of my house in vomit. Hairy little bastards), and you try to go back to sleep, but you're far too wired after your late-night vomit adventures, so you decide to go downstairs to watch a little television, but you don't turn on any lights before sitting down on the couch...that's how you end up sitting in a pile of vomit the cat left for you before coming upstairs to, for all intents and purposes, vomit on your head.

And once again I must ask myself: Why, oh why do I have cats? Why does anyone, for that matter? For years I've been plagued by this question. But I think I might finally have the answer:

It's because we hate ourselves.

Cats are the physical manifestation of self-loathing. Oh sure, we tell ourselves we have cats because they're cute and cuddly, and because they provide companionship and unconditional love. But the truth is we have cats because, subconsciously, we believe that we don't deserve anything nice. We believe ourselves to be awful, rotten people, and we hate ourselves so much, we think we need to be punished with a horrible pet. Monks had mortification of the flesh, and we have cats. Owning a cat is like a modern-day, secular version of the hair shirt.

It's the only answer, people, the only one that makes sense. And if you think about it, it casts a rather sinister light on people who give kittens as gifts, don't you think?

*****

In other news, the holidays are over, and I'm glad. They weren't as awful as I had feared, but neither were they wonderful. We tried to change things up a bit and do things we don't normally do and avoid the usual holiday traditions. On the one hand, it was very different from our regular holiday celebrations, and that was good. On the other hand, because everything was so very different, we were hyper-aware of why everything was so very different, and that sucked. But the holidays are over now, and the family has been death-free for more than two months, so that's alright.

Another thing that is most definitely alright is the upcoming vacation to Costa Rica. While the family was all together, we discussed arrangements and made plans. The reservations are made, and we'll all be spending the last week in June in a lovely villa on the beach. Plus, we decided to extend our stay in the country a few days so we could check out a volcano! A volcano! Woo! Which probably isn't terribly exciting for anyone living near such a thing, but volcanoes are a bit thin on the ground here in Ohio, and I've never seen one. So hooray for Costa Rica, and hooray for volcanoes!

Although, a resounding anti-hooray for having to wedge my ass into a bathing suit in less than six months. Ugh. Not to mention the fact that I am in need of a new bathing suit, and I'll have to go out and buy one. The thought of hours and hours of trying on suit after awful suit under harsh fluorescent lights fills me with despair and nausea. I will hold off on that particularly nasty errand until the last possible moment. Perhaps in the meantime I can do something about my out-of-control ass. I foresee many celery sticks in my future.

Which brings me to that time-honored tradition: New Year's resolutions. Every year, I claim never to make the damn things, but every year, I go ahead and make them anyway. For about a half an hour, I am resolute in my decision to make changes in my life. Then, invariably, I get distracted by something shiny and the resolutions go winging out the window. And the new year rolls around 365 days later, and I'm reminded of the resolutions I didn't keep, and it's depressing. So I try again with a whole new batch of promises to myself, and thus, the cycle of failure begins anew.

This year, I thought I would be clever and trick myself with a list of resolutions I don't want to keep. I thought that if I made a list of things like "Gain more weight" and "Eat more junk food" and "Be as hateful as possible to everyone I know," I might be able to accomplish the exact opposite. But then I realized that using reverse psychology on myself isn't possible because I already know what I'm up to and won't be fooled. It never works when other people try it on me, so I really don't know why I thought it would work when I try it on me. That, and if I were to make up such a list, this would probably be the first year I actually keep my New Year's resolutions.

Then I decided I would make a list, and it would be a real list of resolutions, but I would scale it down so the resolutions weren't as unreasonably ambitious as those of past years. None of those grand and life-changing resolutions, none of that "I will lose 2,000 lbs in three months" or "I will learn to rebuild an engine in under five minutes using a screwdriver, six rubber bands and a banana" nonsense for me this year. I'll make more manageable promises, ones that I might actually have a chance of keeping throughout the year. So here's the list for 2007:

1. I will wear underpants
2. I will not declare war on Belgium
3. I will shower at least once a month
4. I will not convert to Catholicism
5. I will watch cartoons
6. I will not eat yellow snow
7. I will drink an obscene amount of Diet Coke
8. I will not hit my brother in the head (much, unless he really deserves it, and then I'll pummel him until my hand goes numb)
9. I will not get a tattoo of Richard Simmons on my left ass cheek
10. I will use the word "awesome" no fewer than 25 times a day

Finally, a reasonable list of resolutions that I'm fairly certain I can keep throughout the entire year.

Well.

Probably.

I'm going to try really hard, but that one about Belgium could be difficult. Belgians are fuckers.

last - next