But what was I to do? I wasn't wearing anything with pockets, and I didn't have a small purse with me, only a giant bag with my entire life crammed in it, and I sure as hell didn't want to schlep the ginormous thing all the way to the bathroom and back just for one silly tampon. So I tucked the offending object of feminine hygiene into the waistband of my pants and made my merry way to the restroom. A plan that would have worked just fine had the upstairs bathroom not been full.

At first I thought no big deal, and I went downstairs to the lobby bathroom. But then, mere steps away from the bathroom entrance, someone called my name. I swore under my breath and turned to greet the person hailing me. She had questions and concerns, and apparently all the time in the goddamn world, because once she started talking, she would not shut up. Every time I tried to end the conversation and get away from her, she'd bring up some new topic. I was trapped, and I was getting antsy, and I kept shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

While I was fidgeting, I suddenly felt the tampon slip from my waistband. I tried to catch it without drawing the attention of my garrulous tormentor. I patted the outside of my pants all sly-like, trying to stop the tampon's slide without alerting the other person to my dilemma. I was unsuccessful in the attempt, however, and I felt the stupid thing slip farther down my leg ever so slowly. As the tampon headed for my knee, I thought that if I were to just sort of lift my foot off the ground and stick my leg out ever so slightly at an angle, I could prevent the tampon from falling to the floor by balancing it on my shin. And then, as soon as I could shake Chatty Cathy, I could retrieve the escaping hygiene product and go on my merry way. Alas, as I gingerly lifted my leg ever so slowly, trying to be all sly still, the tampon picked up momentum and slid down my shin with an alarming speed. I panicked, and instead of gently lifting my foot from the ground, I kicked out reflexively just as the tampon reached my foot, and the stupid tampon went flying across the lobby.

On the plus side, kicking a tampon across the lobby proved to be an effective means to end an incredibly boring and irritating conversation. On the negative side, I'm going to have find another job because CLEARLY I can never return to work.

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